My friends recently purchased a house in the town of Tewksbury, MA. and I was asked if I was excited to be going to see them there over the Christmas Holiday...
Ahhh..yes… Tewksbury. How could anyone resist the lure of such a lavish Eden??
21 square and blissful miles bordering on the Merrimack river…
Settled in 1637, and finally incorporated in 1734, after a bitter and heart-wrenching
battle for freedom from the vile oppressors of Billerica ~ a struggle now known as THE MIGHTY MORON MASSACRE OF ’34.
After that, reparations were made and the peoples of this new venture in social organization settled down to
heal and live their lives in peace. They gathered each Sunday to worship their deity, THE GREAT TEWK, who followed in the
path of his mentor and father, THE NOT-SO-GREAT-TEWK, who, to be honest, had some nasty issues with raping & pillaging.
For a short while, the citizens of this happy hamlet were TEWK-LESS, until NOT-SO-GREAT, whose given name was really EARL
(remember this, it’s important), had a young son who would be groomed to take the mantle of leadership.
Many locals refer to this time as “the dark ages”, though, in fact, it had little to do with them being leaderless,
and more to do with the fact that they lost the two sticks they had been using to start their fires. (historian’s note: It appears that the full objective was not achieved in the aforementioned MIGHTLY MORON MASACRE)
Finally, when almost all hope was lost, and people began to despair, the young prince saved the day by bringing light and fire back to their world.
The legend is told that one day in late Fall, after working in the town’s pig farm, the young and curious prince took a walk through the woods on his way to the stream to wash himself off. After cleansing himself (and unknowingly poisoning half of the inhabitants of Billerica by putting pig fecal matter into their drinking water), he lay out in the sunshine to dry his clothes in the late day sun. Tired, the prince quickly dozed off, and woke some time later to find that a thunderstorm was quickly approaching. Fascinated by the billowing dark clouds, the less-than-brilliant prince decided to climb the nearest tree to get a better view of the powerful storm. Once at the top of the tree, he watched in wonder … right up until the lightning bolt struck him senseless. Falling to the ground, his life was saved only by the large pile of leaves he landed in. That’s the good news.
The bad news is that the lightning ignited his clothing.
AND the leaves.
And the tree.
Seeing the smoke, the townspeople came running, and that is how the young prince brought fire back to the town.
Overjoyed, the townsfolk put out the young prince and hoisted him on their shoulders, marching him into town.
Declaring them their hero and savior, the prince was then coronated as the new leader .. THE GREAT TEWK.
Wonder and happiness fill ed all the inhabitants, and they began to chant…
Knowing that this miracle would not have happened without the NOT-SO-GREAT-TEWK’s fortune of having a son, they gave thanks…
chanting over and over those words now glorified in song…
TEWK! TEWK! TEWK! TEWK of EARL!!!
TEWK! TEWK! TEWK of EARL!
TEWK! TEWK! TEWK of EARL!
Ahhh..yes… Tewksbury. How could anyone resist the lure of such a lavish Eden??
21 square and blissful miles bordering on the Merrimack river…
Settled in 1637, and finally incorporated in 1734, after a bitter and heart-wrenching
battle for freedom from the vile oppressors of Billerica ~ a struggle now known as THE MIGHTY MORON MASSACRE OF ’34.
After that, reparations were made and the peoples of this new venture in social organization settled down to
heal and live their lives in peace. They gathered each Sunday to worship their deity, THE GREAT TEWK, who followed in the
path of his mentor and father, THE NOT-SO-GREAT-TEWK, who, to be honest, had some nasty issues with raping & pillaging.
For a short while, the citizens of this happy hamlet were TEWK-LESS, until NOT-SO-GREAT, whose given name was really EARL
(remember this, it’s important), had a young son who would be groomed to take the mantle of leadership.
Many locals refer to this time as “the dark ages”, though, in fact, it had little to do with them being leaderless,
and more to do with the fact that they lost the two sticks they had been using to start their fires. (historian’s note: It appears that the full objective was not achieved in the aforementioned MIGHTLY MORON MASACRE)
Finally, when almost all hope was lost, and people began to despair, the young prince saved the day by bringing light and fire back to their world.
The legend is told that one day in late Fall, after working in the town’s pig farm, the young and curious prince took a walk through the woods on his way to the stream to wash himself off. After cleansing himself (and unknowingly poisoning half of the inhabitants of Billerica by putting pig fecal matter into their drinking water), he lay out in the sunshine to dry his clothes in the late day sun. Tired, the prince quickly dozed off, and woke some time later to find that a thunderstorm was quickly approaching. Fascinated by the billowing dark clouds, the less-than-brilliant prince decided to climb the nearest tree to get a better view of the powerful storm. Once at the top of the tree, he watched in wonder … right up until the lightning bolt struck him senseless. Falling to the ground, his life was saved only by the large pile of leaves he landed in. That’s the good news.
The bad news is that the lightning ignited his clothing.
AND the leaves.
And the tree.
Seeing the smoke, the townspeople came running, and that is how the young prince brought fire back to the town.
Overjoyed, the townsfolk put out the young prince and hoisted him on their shoulders, marching him into town.
Declaring them their hero and savior, the prince was then coronated as the new leader .. THE GREAT TEWK.
Wonder and happiness fill ed all the inhabitants, and they began to chant…
Knowing that this miracle would not have happened without the NOT-SO-GREAT-TEWK’s fortune of having a son, they gave thanks…
chanting over and over those words now glorified in song…
TEWK! TEWK! TEWK! TEWK of EARL!!!
TEWK! TEWK! TEWK of EARL!
TEWK! TEWK! TEWK of EARL!
(Thank you for groaning)
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